Why do you stop blogging?

Yesterday afternoon, I posted on facebook, who blogs, and I got a few list of blogs to start back following.  I also had a interesting question asked to me.   So you told us why you blog, so why do you think you stop?  I started thinking about this.  I guess I write when I’m trying my best to figure out things.   At times I think  I stop, because I’m not writing for me, or I feel like I don’t have anything original to say.  I actually deactivated my account back in October.  At that time I had over 5000 monthly readers.  It’s strange going from that number to back to less than 30 that have read it since I opened it back up.   Sometimes I felt like what I had to say someone else has already said it, and better than I will ever be able to.   This though I realize is not a good argument for not writing, lol.   We all are  unique and original, and nobody has lived what we have lived.  Furthermore, what we have lived, we have lived not just for ourselves but for others.  Writing for me is a very creative way to make our lives available to ourselves and yes to others as well.   I’ve been enjoying reading other’s blogs again.

My friend Shawn over at http://followingspirit.tumblr.com/   described something beautiful to me a few weeks ago.   That our lives are like a dream, and when someone else spends time with you or you share with them, or they share with you, you become part of their dream.   I’m not sure if I explained that one as beautiful as he worded it.  Hope you check out the beautiful journey he’s on.   I like being in his dream, and like that he’s in mine as well.

So where am I today.   I’ve always been a dreamer, for as long as I can remember.   Another way sometimes I’m trying to figure out what’s going on in my life.   Last night I had a interesting dream.  In it I was a little boy.  I remembered my mom saying when you grow up you would make a good lawyer.   The reason she said that was because I always would try and get everyone to agree with me.  But in my dream I saw me as a little boy.   And I saw agreement as something more.  I saw it as love, and if they didn’t agree with me, they didn’t love me, and if I didn’t agree with them, I wasn’t loving them. All these voices started filling little Derek’s head telling me agree and I’ll give you a cookie, agree and I’ll make you a hamburger.   It was a strange dream that has left me thinking today.  Just thinking.

A part of me doesn’t want to make this a long post, and just get to it, and a part wants to just write.   Honestly, my head has been a bit tense about all I’ve thought today, and even writing now.  I woke up thinking about how I was feeling in the dream.   Comparing it with the me now.  I’ve never liked disagreement.   For me love has been based on agreement.   When there was disagreement, I felt unloved. When I disagree, I felt that it meant I’m not being loving.   But I see something in my dream.  Love is where we are free to agree or disagree.   A friend will speak to you truthfully.  They may or may not perceive the situation the same as you, but is not afraid to tell you what they think.  A friend tells the truth and then reminds you that you are free to make your own choice.   That is love in action.    Yes, as you may know I’m on a journey of loving myself again, and I think this dream was big.   We love our friends equally when they are saying yes or no.  He does not withhold advice, nor does he try to impose his opinion on you.  A friend wishes to be helpful.  he treats you with respect and dignity, and he tell you the truth.  You can’t really be a friend if you are not willing to tell the truth.  This doesn’t mean that you are right.  Being right and being honset are not the same thing.  When you are honest, you are giving the best that you can ive with the awareness that you have.

So after writing that what am I looking for, someone to agree with me.  Agreement is the ultimate condition.    I guess I’m saying don’t look for love in agreement.  I don’t think you will find it there.  But your welcome to disagree!  🙂  I think I still have a bit of sitting with this one.  I may need to think more on this one.

Such a beautiful day

What a day!  I ran into one of my old blogger buddies from when I first started blogging today at church.   Then church picnic afterwards, then photoshoot with Amy and her son at the beach.  It is so beautiful today.  I’m sitting and reflecting some today while I wait for them.  Funny blogging again, I remember someone asking me a long time ago why I blogged, sitting here wondering why I stopped.  For me writing is not just jotting down ideas.  I’ve said many times, “I don’t know what to write.  I have no thoughts worth writing down.”  When I hear those thoughts, I think I’m not listening to God, much good writing comes from the process of writing itself and when i’m listening to what I’m supposed to listen to.  As I just sit here writing this on my cellphone, and the beach in front of me I’m taking today, a moment and start to express in words what is on my mind or in my heart, new ideas seem to just jump, ideas that surprise me and lead me to the inner place I hardly knew is there sometimes.  But then again, I always knew.

I feel closer to God when I write, one of the most wonderful things about writing in my blog is that it opens in me the deep well of hidden treasure that is as beautiful as God Art is to me, and hopefully for others to see as well.  This is my first post from my cellphone.  Lots on my mind, will write more when I get home.  I’ll probably change the picture later and have a bible verse for it.  Hopefully not too many errors doing this from my cellphone, technology ain’t it grand.  Well I’m home now, and  found the bible verse that I wanted to go with the picture.   Has been a nice day, going to wash some clothes and relax now!

Still Thinking

It’s funny that I named this blog, “Still Thinking”, something I’ve always did, something I’ve been doing a lot of lately.   I keep saying to myself write it all down, but I don’t do it as much like I used to, although, I have plenty of time to.  My journey, that’s what I have been looking at.   I also am blessed to have others been part of my journey, and still part of my journey, and me part of theirs.  I’m trying hard to get all my thoughts together and post about it.  It’s like this new door has presented itself.   Have I opened it yet , guess I’m still there thinking about opening it.    My heart is open, this I know.  I am learning to have compassion with myself and others.  Seems in my 45 years the door to love has opened and closed as many times as I’ve opened and closed my heart.   So guess I’m standing at another closed door, trying to be patient with myself and forgiving.   I feel the presence of love, but I also feel the absence of it as well if that makes any kind of sense at all.  I see to be going over my past, and things I’ve done in the past.  At closed doors sometimes I hardened my heart so I wouldn’t feel hurt again, sometimes I jumped right back in ready and willing.  This time I’m just listening.  I’m letting my heart soften some. Letting myself feel separate from others.   Although I struggle at times.   I’m working through so many things, sometimes when I’m working on things like guilt and other things going through my mind, I project it, and brought another  into it, and after I did, I realized, and apologized.  So much I just have to work out for myself.  Trying to bring an awareness to my own thoughts.  I’m also trying to open myself up more to God, to the Divine, to open myself to Love.   I think back on all the things at one time I thought Brian was judging me about.   But now when I look at it, I realize it was just me judging myself.  I’ve been watching “The Bible” series on Wednesday nights at Bible study at church.  I’ve really enjoyed it, I decided to watch the whole thing yesterday.  Wow!  Powerful, really touched me.    I feel the Lord with me, and I know the door is not locked, and with Him I’m ready to take His hand and walk through.  He is the door to love without conditions.  I guess when I walk through, I will become part of that door.   I have to love myself without conditions or learn to.

Back Again!

Been a while!    Why is it that every time I end up single again,that I start back writing.  My head hurts, and I’m hungry!  But here I am blogging again.   Looking so hard for my happy place.  This once was my happy place!  I love writing and trying to express myself.   How do I express everything that I feel right now.   Guess I can’t.   Mostly have held much in for quite a while.  Why I chose to do that I’m not sure.    Just last week I was seeing the blue bird of happiness.  This week not so much.  Why do I have to feel all this pain one day after Easter.    It’s never easy to move on. I’m trying not to focus on what could have been  or what could have been- there is still a world of what will be.  And I’m trying to concentrate on that.  I find myself at times in place I so don’t want to be, but realize, God is just showing me another direction.  Hard not going back to some of the same directions I was in back where I was a few years back.  But I still have God in me, and wherever God can take me, it’s got to be good!   It’s time for fearless living.  Balls to the wall!  BOLDLY knowing that God has a big plan!   Holding in much, trying to make the hurt part go away.    Just trying to find me again!  Just me!  Guess I haven’t been so sure who that has been lately.  But then again, I think I know.   Still in growth mode.  Gradually becoming more intense or to increase.  Back to writing on Inside Me!  What’s in my heart.  The condition of the heat is not something we are born with or just strikes us suddenly.  I think it has to be nurtured over a long period of time.  Lord let me nurture my heart while it’s hurting.  Lord please heal my heart and help me walk in your spirit.  Let me be more sensitive to God and not let my heart be hardened.   Stay sensitive to the Holy Spirit that I haave been feeling in the small things, keep maturing in the Lord, and become more and more whole again.   Walking in the Spirit, not in the flesh!   I write those words, but right now I am struggling.  A friend sent me a verse today.   So I put the verse on one of my pictures that didn’t really come out clear, but it seems to fit the picture. 

Child of Light

 I’ve sat out on the water behind the house today.   Hoping and praying that as I grow in this new year of 2012, that I also grow in my understanding of God.  For me it’s more about learning to trust Him.  I have grown and changed in my understanding  of this greater power, not as in smarter, but what I’m experiencing since I let him lead me.  I know He wants to give us all the good we can handle.   God understands me.  No matter how I understand him, I’m always grateful He understands me.  These are the first words I’ve wrote on this beautiful day her in Jacksonville.  It’s winter time and the view behind the house is different, the leaves are gone from the trees, but it’s warm out.  It’s peaceful as the sun shines down on my skin, and the energy I feel from the nature around me, and the calming effect of the water and to surrender to a higher power.  Just saying.  O.k. God, I hear you, thank you, and I’ll do whatever you want.    I wrote more but this was the gist of it!  So here’s a picture of me in the light of this new day of this NEW YEAR!

Resolutions? Still Thinking

I was going back and reading some of my old entries in my ole Still Thinking blog.  I went back to August of this past year https://deveil.wordpress.com/2011/08/29/yep-still-thinking/

In reading it, just thought it would be a good entry for the coming New Year.  Yep, I’ve been looking back, looking at now, and looking at the future. In his painting, “An Allegory of Prudence,” 16th century Venetian artist Titian portrayed Prudence as a man with three heads. One head was of youth facing the future, another was of a mature man eyeing the present, and the third was of a wise old man gazing at the past. Over their heads Titian wrote a Latin phrase that means, “From the example of the past, the man of the present acts prudently so as not to imperil the future.” With the new year right around the corner, I think we need this kind of wisdom to overcome the anxiety created by our past failures and the fear of repeating them in the future-an anxiety that keeps us from living to the fullest now. Sometimes I try to forget my past and anticipate the future. My memory hasn’t been erased but I do feel more free of any guilt I may have felt from some of my past actions. I have to forgive myself, and hope that I have been forgiven by any I may have hurt, but know in my heart I have been forgiven by God. As we close the chapter of 2011 this weekend, I believe with His help I will be able to live fully in the present and I will gain wisdom from the past and face the future with courage. There’s a saying, can’t remember where it came from but it goes “Don’t ever let your bleak past overshadow a bright future.” I like that. I hope everyone has a blessed and wonderful Happy New Year!  My resolution is to LIVE, to LOVE, to LAUGH, to do all the above with quality, commitment and holding the hand of Jesus, who promised He would never leave nor forsake us.

I have a few others too, we’ll just have to see on those.

 

Christmas 2011

Eli and Ethan on Thanksgiving

Lance and Autumn and Gavin on Thanksgiving

Dena on Thanksgiving

Sherry and Andy on Thanksgiving