•MayUTCb000000pmSat, 04 May 2013 22:11:42 +000013 19, 2007 • 2 Comments I’ve been writing about my heart.  Tonight I”m thinking about looking to God in my heart.  I’ve been thinking about my prayer life.  What it is, how I pray, how often.    Learning prayers, and prayerfulness.  I sometimes recite prayers from memory over and over.  The Lord’s Prayer, “Jesus Prayer” is my favorite lately.  Jesus have mercy on me a sinner.  Pray without ceasing is something that has been on my mind from time to time lately.  I was able to share with a friend about it.  What does that mean?  How can we live life, with its many demands and obligations, as an uniterupted prayer?   Today I have found myself there.  Crying out to God.   The solitude I found today was my church.  I have a key to it, it’s been raining steady for three days.  Although it has been a wonderful three days, and I’ve found much solitude.   I’ve been finding me again, the things that make me feel happy, the things I promised myself I wouldn’t lose in myself.   Seems many times in relationships, sometimes we lose little pieces of ourself.  It is not a conscience choice.  Sometimes I think it just happens gradually over time.   For me  I think I try to do and be everything I think someone wants me to be, and lose a little bit of that wonderful me that I already am.  Beloved by God.   Sometimes there is so much fear and agony in us.  Fear of people, fear of God, and with me just a lot of anxiety sometimes.  I wonder if fear is not our main obstacle in prayer.   Today I lit a candle, turned on the light of our big cross and just cried out to Him.   I said Lord I think of how I just want to be loved and how sometimes I keep a little corner of my inner life for me.   God do I hide it from you too.  I don’t want to .   I know you know all my thoughts.   So I bring these thoughts to you as well.  Sometimes I am stingy, sometimes the things in my mind and heart are hateful thoughts, sometimes I have bizarre dreams.   None of those things I can hide from you.  I bring it all to you God.  I don’t even want to hide my shameful thoughts from you.   I know I’ve been working through much with you.   Even worries, resentments, and disturbing thoughts we don’t wish to share with anyone.  Sometimes I don’t even want to share them with you.   But I did.    Then I listened.    And I listened, and I listened.  I prayed that I wanted to love like my brother Jesus.    Then I felt this love not only within my heart, but like I felt the Lord behind me as I knelt in front of the cross.   I am thankful for this time, and how my prayerlife has been changing.  A friend gave me a plaque that said Faith on it.   Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.   Hebrews 11:1.     I am thankful for that.   Faith is what is important in prayer.   I’m praying now that I keep this discipline in my daily life.    I used to think I was supposed to be Vulnerable with others.  But I think it’s to God is where we are to appear vulnerable in the light of our presence, with Jesus in our heart, confident in His mercy and He is always willing to listen to me at all times and places.


Who Am I

•MayUTCb000000pmThu, 02 May 2013 19:43:18 +000013 19, 2007 • 1 Comment

Yesterday I wrote Who, today I”m asking Who am I.   Seems this has always been a common question for me.  Today has been a good day. Raining, pouring from the time I got up, it actually started around 3:00 this morning, and hasn’t let up since.  So I got up had a wonderful morning in my quiet time.  I think of the eyes of people that have been close to me- I think of the eyes I look at in the morning in the mirror.   Think of those running away from something, some running, some hiding.   I see that in my own eyes at times.  I looked at eyes of strangers today, more today than most days.  Some smiled back, some turned quickly.   I think about how God sees us?   Seems vision has been a theme for me today.  My little niece Autumn went to the eye doctor today.  She had to get glasses.  I enjoyed talking to her and my mom on facetime.  So strange what we see.   When I saw her, I saw how much she has grown since I’ve seen her last.  Last night we watched “The Bible” again at bible studay. We watched where Jesus was baptized in the Jordan River.  They didn’t show it in the movie, but when he was baptized the heavens were opened up, and the Holy Spirit descended on him in the form of a dove.  And a voice came from heaven: ‘You are my Son, whom I love, with you I am well pleased'”  from Luke 3:21022.     I think at this moment Jesus really knew who he really was in a deep deep way.   I think of the day when I was saved.    I think it was one of the only times I remember my dad telling me how proud he was of me.

I’ve been thinking of one of the voices I listen to.   One that says “You are the Beloved of God!  I have listened for that voice today.  I have to be honest, it didn’t start that way this morning.  I woke with a voice of doubt trying to hit hard.  Telling me I was far from beloved.   But I decided to tell that voice, nope!  I am beloved of God.   It has been a beautiful day.  Lots of prayer!  Answers too!  I love this song above from Casting Crowns.



•MayUTCb000000pmWed, 01 May 2013 13:04:45 +000013 19, 2007 • Leave a Comment

deepakI have awoken the last two mornings from dreams early, both mornings I realized they meant something, I tried to get up and write them down, as I started to try and figure out what they meant before I fell back to sleep, and today and yesterday.  I woke back up and couldn’t remember the dreams.   But this morning in my quiet time I think about what I wrote yesterday.   Looking again for a mentor.   Answers can’t be found outside of ourselves.    Sometimes I get lonely, I think I was writing that out of loneliness last night.  I’m asking, waiting, and listening.  In my listening today, something  just says be patient.  I look back at my life and sometimes I crave people (Mentor) in hope that another will bring me answers.  Last night I wanted a mentor as I was speaking of Solitude.   Yes I know I probably sound a little restless looking for answers.  Sometimes I am, and I sure don’t claim not to be.   It’s funny, I do have mentors.  One is my Pastor, it’s funny some times I just go to her to talk about what I’m feeling.  Today I feel full.   I went to see her, but she had someone there that she was already meeting with.   So I was left with my main mentor.  God in Solitude.    There is much that is unsolved in my heart.  I’m trying to let go of much, and one thing is also trying to let go of answers which cannot be given.   Many times I ask for answers to other people’s heart.  But I guess it’s only my own heart that I need to try and figure out.  I hope they come gradually, almost like I’m not even noticing.  Oh well just thought I’d write early today.  I’m off to listen!   Funny right as I wrote that, memory of my dream just came to me.  Guess I’ll go ahead and write it down now, as it just popped in my head, and then I’ll try and figure it out more.    Funny, I was a little boy in my dream again.  I would say in about 80% of dreams, I’ve always dreamed of Little Derek.    When I was little my mom used to see a painting, and she would tell me to tell her a story.   I’m not sure if she was trying to help me be creative, or that I was just creative, and she liked hearing my stories.   Well I was with her in a place that reminded me of the High Museum in Atlanta.  She was there, and we were going through and asking me to tell her stories about the pictures.   I was telling her stories.   We walked into a white white room, everything was white.   There was a man there, with a blank white Palette.  Then he asked me to look at his white canvas and tell me a story.    Colors came from every direction!   The man started to paint with them.   I played in all the colors, carefree as I was when I was a child.   Then I saw the picture, and with great excitement.  I saw something beautiful on the canvas.  I can’t really tell you what it was.  It had color, and light, and darkness in it.  I asked how did he know it was there.  He said you told me.   I can’t tell you what was on the canvas, I can only describe it.

I’m sitting here trying hard to remember what was on the canvas, maybe because it is the one hidden thing.  Going to go sit with it now. Funny how dreams work that way.

Opened the door, and what do I find 100’s of other closed doors

•AprilUTCb000000pmTue, 30 Apr 2013 17:27:15 +000013 19, 2007 • Leave a Comment

I wrote about the door that I was about to open the other day.   Well I opened it, and yep, there’s 100’s of other closed doors on the other side.  Guess that’s part of our journey’s too.    Guess the first door I opened up is the door to my heart.   Seems lately I’m trying to find that again, the things that make me happy.  The things that make me real.  Lots of questions.  I see others embarking on spirit journey’s, and I guess in my own way I’m on mine as well.   I’m on a quest for spiritual direction.   Trying to figue out who I am, where I come from, and where I’m going I guess.   Thinking a lot about prayer, and who God is for me, and trying to figure out where I belong again.    Not that I ever stopped.  Sometimes I guess it’s a journey we take all the days of our lives.  I am looking within to my heart.  I think about this door I am opening.  I think how I’ve gone from door to door.  45 years I’ve lived, how long did God’s people wonder in the desert wilderness?  40.   I hope I’m listening a little better than I have in the past.  Last night, I listened to a sweet friend of mine going through a breakup.  So much confusion, so much hurt.  I know a little about being in that in betweeness of confusion and hope.  I find myself looking many days for Solitude.   Some days are much harder to find than others.  Does it ever feel like a paradox to anyone else out there?  Looking for solitude, but also knowing you can’t just stay cut off from the world and just be with God all the time.  It’s like you have to lose to gain.   I think of how we cling to our friends, we may lose them.   I think  of how I made many friends when I wasn’t being possesive.  These are lessons for me.  Those things we seek sometimes so much or desire, but it often vanishes as soon as we get it.  I’m looking for God, is He looking for me as well?  I think a little more about that dream I had.   Sometimes I  write, like today, like I’m trying to figure out something.  I’ve prayed, I’ve  been still, but yet here I am, trying to figure something out.    Guess I’m just trying to figure which door to open next.   Sometimes in all this solitude.   Another mentor would be nice as well.   Somethings saying to me then find that mentor if you want it.  🙂  Believe it!  Have faith!  I took this picture at one of the downtown Jacksonville old churches a while back.  I love old stained glass in church’es.009

Why do you stop blogging?

•AprilUTCb000000pmMon, 29 Apr 2013 17:50:50 +000013 19, 2007 • 2 Comments

Yesterday afternoon, I posted on facebook, who blogs, and I got a few list of blogs to start back following.  I also had a interesting question asked to me.   So you told us why you blog, so why do you think you stop?  I started thinking about this.  I guess I write when I’m trying my best to figure out things.   At times I think  I stop, because I’m not writing for me, or I feel like I don’t have anything original to say.  I actually deactivated my account back in October.  At that time I had over 5000 monthly readers.  It’s strange going from that number to back to less than 30 that have read it since I opened it back up.   Sometimes I felt like what I had to say someone else has already said it, and better than I will ever be able to.   This though I realize is not a good argument for not writing, lol.   We all are  unique and original, and nobody has lived what we have lived.  Furthermore, what we have lived, we have lived not just for ourselves but for others.  Writing for me is a very creative way to make our lives available to ourselves and yes to others as well.   I’ve been enjoying reading other’s blogs again.

My friend Shawn over at   described something beautiful to me a few weeks ago.   That our lives are like a dream, and when someone else spends time with you or you share with them, or they share with you, you become part of their dream.   I’m not sure if I explained that one as beautiful as he worded it.  Hope you check out the beautiful journey he’s on.   I like being in his dream, and like that he’s in mine as well.

So where am I today.   I’ve always been a dreamer, for as long as I can remember.   Another way sometimes I’m trying to figure out what’s going on in my life.   Last night I had a interesting dream.  In it I was a little boy.  I remembered my mom saying when you grow up you would make a good lawyer.   The reason she said that was because I always would try and get everyone to agree with me.  But in my dream I saw me as a little boy.   And I saw agreement as something more.  I saw it as love, and if they didn’t agree with me, they didn’t love me, and if I didn’t agree with them, I wasn’t loving them. All these voices started filling little Derek’s head telling me agree and I’ll give you a cookie, agree and I’ll make you a hamburger.   It was a strange dream that has left me thinking today.  Just thinking.

A part of me doesn’t want to make this a long post, and just get to it, and a part wants to just write.   Honestly, my head has been a bit tense about all I’ve thought today, and even writing now.  I woke up thinking about how I was feeling in the dream.   Comparing it with the me now.  I’ve never liked disagreement.   For me love has been based on agreement.   When there was disagreement, I felt unloved. When I disagree, I felt that it meant I’m not being loving.   But I see something in my dream.  Love is where we are free to agree or disagree.   A friend will speak to you truthfully.  They may or may not perceive the situation the same as you, but is not afraid to tell you what they think.  A friend tells the truth and then reminds you that you are free to make your own choice.   That is love in action.    Yes, as you may know I’m on a journey of loving myself again, and I think this dream was big.   We love our friends equally when they are saying yes or no.  He does not withhold advice, nor does he try to impose his opinion on you.  A friend wishes to be helpful.  he treats you with respect and dignity, and he tell you the truth.  You can’t really be a friend if you are not willing to tell the truth.  This doesn’t mean that you are right.  Being right and being honset are not the same thing.  When you are honest, you are giving the best that you can ive with the awareness that you have.

So after writing that what am I looking for, someone to agree with me.  Agreement is the ultimate condition.    I guess I’m saying don’t look for love in agreement.  I don’t think you will find it there.  But your welcome to disagree!  🙂  I think I still have a bit of sitting with this one.  I may need to think more on this one.derekeveal

Such a beautiful day

•AprilUTCb000000pmSun, 28 Apr 2013 15:07:49 +000013 19, 2007 • 3 Comments

What a day!  I ran into one of my old blogger buddies from when I first started blogging today at church.   Then church picnic afterwards, then photoshoot with Amy and her son at the beach.  It is so beautiful today.  I’m sitting and reflecting some today while I wait for them.  Funny blogging again, I remember someone asking me a long time ago why I blogged, sitting here wondering why I stopped.  For me writing is not just jotting down ideas.  I’ve said many times, “I don’t know what to write.  I have no thoughts worth writing down.”  When I hear those thoughts, I think I’m not listening to God, much good writing comes from the process of writing itself and when i’m listening to what I’m supposed to listen to.  As I just sit here writing this on my cellphone, and the beach in front of me I’m taking today, a moment and start to express in words what is on my mind or in my heart, new ideas seem to just jump, ideas that surprise me and lead me to the inner place I hardly knew is there sometimes.  But then again, I always knew.

I feel closer to God when I write, one of the most wonderful things about writing in my blog is that it opens in me the deep well of hidden treasure that is as beautiful as God Art is to me, and hopefully for others to see as well.  This is my first post from my cellphone.  Lots on my mind, will write more when I get home.  I’ll probably change the picture later and have a bible verse for it.  Hopefully not too many errors doing this from my cellphone, technology ain’t it grand.  Well I’m home now, and  found the bible verse that I wanted to go with the picture.   Has been a nice day, going to wash some clothes and relax now!cloudverse

Still Thinking

•AprilUTCb000000pmSat, 20 Apr 2013 19:10:26 +000013 19, 2007 • 2 Comments

It’s funny that I named this blog, “Still Thinking”, something I’ve always did, something I’ve been doing a lot of lately.   I keep saying to myself write it all down, but I don’t do it as much like I used to, although, I have plenty of time to.  My journey, that’s what I have been looking at.   I also am blessed to have others been part of my journey, and still part of my journey, and me part of theirs.  I’m trying hard to get all my thoughts together and post about it.  It’s like this new door has presented itself.   Have I opened it yet , guess I’m still there thinking about opening it.    My heart is open, this I know.  I am learning to have compassion with myself and others.  Seems in my 45 years the door to love has opened and closed as many times as I’ve opened and closed my heart.   So guess I’m standing at another closed door, trying to be patient with myself and forgiving.   I feel the presence of love, but I also feel the absence of it as well if that makes any kind of sense at all.  I see to be going over my past, and things I’ve done in the past.  At closed doors sometimes I hardened my heart so I wouldn’t feel hurt again, sometimes I jumped right back in ready and willing.  This time I’m just listening.  I’m letting my heart soften some. Letting myself feel separate from others.   Although I struggle at times.   I’m working through so many things, sometimes when I’m working on things like guilt and other things going through my mind, I project it, and brought another  into it, and after I did, I realized, and apologized.  So much I just have to work out for myself.  Trying to bring an awareness to my own thoughts.  I’m also trying to open myself up more to God, to the Divine, to open myself to Love.   I think back on all the things at one time I thought Brian was judging me about.   But now when I look at it, I realize it was just me judging myself.  I’ve been watching “The Bible” series on Wednesday nights at Bible study at church.  I’ve really enjoyed it, I decided to watch the whole thing yesterday.  Wow!  Powerful, really touched me.    I feel the Lord with me, and I know the door is not locked, and with Him I’m ready to take His hand and walk through.  He is the door to love without conditions.  I guess when I walk through, I will become part of that door.   I have to love myself without conditions or learn to.jesus1