I was so excited my show “Who Do You Think You Are” is back on TNT, after NBC cancelled it. I was even more excited when I heard Trisha Yearwood is going to be one of the celebrities this season. We are 3rd cousins, and have the same 2x great grandfather. Today though what I’m thinking is just Who do I think I am? God knows who I am and what I’m capable of because he made all of us. I know it’s not just limited to my talents like photography or drawing, but so much more. I have unlimited potential in Jesus. But I have to believe I am what God says I am. Who we think we are is a determining factor. So this morning I awoke from a really beautiful dream, felt really close to the Lord in it, was so much beauty, and right at the end of it, there was a man praying, and when I walked by him, he attacked me, almost like a zombie, he was zombielike. I woke up. A really yuck ending to a beautiful dream, which when I woke up at 2:30 left me a bit disturbed. As my day goes on, I’ve been struggling some with things. So now I’m just spending the day convincing myself that I am who God say I am. Prayertime, I’ve been reading from Judges in the Bible. Lord help me to know what God says about me is true. Praying I will find my place.
Moody! I’ve never been described as moody. Most of the time I’m smiling. Deep inside my Spirit is too! But sometimes I’m not really happy. I try to wake up most days and face the world with “I feel great”! But my moods I guess are not really controllable either. Maybe I can overcome some moods. Like this morning, I wasn’t sure I wanted to get out of bed. I was feeling like”Nobody Loves me”! Lol! But I got up read from my devotional, prayed and came to work. Turns out to be a nice day! I’m feeling thankful!
I once had a dream I was swimming in the Ocean, underwater I saw a light, and I swam to it, I got close to the light and I came up. The waves were hitting, and I could only see this light when I was under the Ocean. So I kept swimming to the light, and I finally reached it, when I came up in the light I saw people around me, we were all waves that swam to the place of light, we were just currents swimming to this light, they were people who were familiar and people that I knew, people that I’ve lost, and people that didn’t even look familiar. But here we all were all the waves coming together to this light. I woke up. I read on a plane and seen the movie, Mitch Albom’s “The Five People You Meet In Heaven. I read the book a few years ago. It had been one of my favorite books from the night I read it. I’ve always seen myself as part of something connected to a bigger humanity. We are all connected to each other in ways we don’t even realize, and that perhaps, when our life is over, you may find out all the other “waves” in this big ocean that you affected without even knowing it.. The lessons learned from the five people in heaven are meaningful to me. Yes there was tears, even in reading it I had tears. Anyone else read this? Would love to hear what you have to say about it. I think it would mean diffrent things for everyone. Being praying a lot today, guess this post is about the only action I’ve done, besides washing clothes and cleaning the house. Need to just get out and get some air. Get connected! :)
One thing many people seem to tell me that are close to me, my pastor, my friends is “Time heals”. I think I’ve even said it to friends myself that are having a hard time after a divorce, or breakup. I don’t think this is true when it means that we will eventually forget the wounds inflicted on us or wounds we inflicted on others and be able to live on as if nothing happened. That is not really healing; it is simply ignoring reality. But when the expression “time heals” means that faithfulness in a difficult relationship can lead us to a deeper understanding of the ways we have hurt each other, then there is much truth in it. “Time heals” implies not passively waiting but actively working with our pain and trusting in the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation.
I had a wonderful July 4th, and July 4th weekend. Made a new friend. Spent time with old friends, and my sister, niece, and brother in law came down yesterday and we had a wonderful time. So I’ve spent 4 days at the beach, and now am just home relaxing and thinking. Time heals? Time heals! :)
The other day a friend posted a quote from T.D. Jakes, that went “Whatever youve drawn closest to you will grow in your life. Be sure you’re nurturing what you want to grow and starving what you want to die.” When I read it, it just hit me hard. Couldn’t get the quote off my mind. I prayed about it, I thought about it. I’m not sure why, but I just couldn’t grasp my thought around it. I was like I don’t want to starve anything and make it die. Then the next day I saw this picture above. As I said I’ve seen the stillness of beautiful sunrises in the last week, and yesterday I saw a storm. In it I heard “Don’t be afraid”. As I watched the storm I thought about the disciples as they were in the storm and they saw Jesus walk on water. He told them not to be afraid. That is was Him. When I saw the picture above. It was one of those moments! Epiphany, I started thinking of my thoughts and how many of them are fear based. I have been thinking about fear a good bit, and also thinking of that voice, saying Don’t be afraid. I’ve been thinking of fearful distance, and fearful closeness. How some of us run away when we are scared, and how some of us cling to others when we are afraid. I talked about this to a friend and she brought up something really interesting about the Disciples of Jesus, that after Jesus was arrested from Matthew 26:56, they deserted him and ran away and that after He was crucified, that they all huddled together clinging to one another in fear of the Jews. Says that in John 20:19.
Safe distance, safe closeness. The last few days keep getting filled with so much beauty. Yesterday, I was heading for an interview, and feeling nervous and fearful. I’m not sure why. Just was. I made it through it, then afterwards I sat on the riverbanks of the St. John’s and watched the most amazing storm. I think I’m getting closer to writing what I’ve been feeling than yesterday, but don’t want to overthink. Anyway here’s one of the pictures I took yesterday watching the storm. I’m not making any claims to be any less fearful, but I am trying to ask myself, if something I’m thinking is fear based, and trying my best to just give that thought as much love, so maybe I can starve any fear! Fear is something I would love to starve in my life.
A lot been going on the last few days! From beautiful still sunrises like this one from Saturday, to storms. Through it all I feel I’m asking for the Lord to show me the way. Day by day I’m searching. So much has been on my mind. Seems I’m searching so to find who I am to become. Guess it’s a daily ride that I take. I know I’m still very divided, I spend my quiet times with God, and I feel the gentle voice of the Lord speaking to me some days, but some days I want to just follow my own desires. Still trying to listen to the quiet voice, and not some of the other voices. Not really voices, yes I was a psychology major. But I mean listening to the Spirit, and not my own selfish wants and needs. I don’t even know that I can write of all I’m feeling. May have to try another day. But it’s about choosing love over fear. Feeding your Faith, and starving your fears.