Just thinking again

Seems I write prose more in my really happy times or in my really depressed times.    Trying to write more period lately.   Not so much on here, but have been writing at home, you know with pen and paper, crazy I know, I almost forgot about that way.    It’s been a really nice weekend!    I’m feeling happiness again, and that’s something to be really thankful for!  

How often of the day are you being true to yourself?  Can you say yes, when you mean yes, and no when you mean no?  Why is Derek asking so many questions today.  Well as I said I had a aweomse weekend.  I have enjoyed talking about life and love.   So the last couple of days I’ve been thinking about it.   A lot I guess.  Thinking of past loves, memories, mistakes, trying to be sure not to make the same mistakes again.   I don’t write a whole lot about what I feel about love, but maybe it’s time I share some of my viewpoints.  They may be a little diffrent, but maybe not so diffrent after all.  Seems like love is on everybodies mind these days, mine included.  Everyone has that need to connect.  Feeling love is an awesome thing.  Scary at times but all in all it feels good.  Notice I said scary at times.  Seems fear is always the enemy no matter what subject we are talking about.  I think the pain we suffer in relationships are because of staying faithful to our fears and to a past that no longer serves us.  Our unwillingness to grow is the painful part.  I wrote a poem the other day to myself, thinking of things in the past.  I want to get it right for a change.  We have choices, a choice between freedom and fear, drama and passion, lust and love.  A long time ago I thought everything was kind of left up to chance or fate.  I think Love is up to us.  Scary for me to even say the word sometimes, much less write about it.  I think it’s up to us, the love in our lives depends on how we perceive ourselves.  We need to be accepting of ourselves.   There’s so much to love to me.  One of the most overwhelming feeling to me about love is desire.  I don’t want to let in blindsigh me, I’ve done this before in thepast.  This is not really a subject I talk about much, so changing the subject.  So why all the talk about love and relationships.  Guess I’m just happy and scared, and you know what it’s ok to be.  I have met someone I’m getting to know better.   I’m not going to run into it with my blinders on.  I’m happy to feel this way.  Just take it day by day, that’s about all I can do.  Love is messy don’t you think.  It’s rarely what we think it should be, and we are rarely what we would like to be when we are in love.  On one hand we want love to be enough, yet on the other hand, we are rarely satisifed with the love we have, so fear and love battle it out.  For me I’ve become silent when i wanted so to connect,  I’ve jumped in fast when I knew I must slow down.  I’ve acted cool, when i really was hot.  I smiled on the outside, when I was angry on the inside.  I’ve put on an act, then worried I wouldn’t be loved for what I really was.  We reach out. We shut down, We cry, We run, We doubt.  But you know what we can’t live without it.  I’ve gone with out love many times.  Now I’m happy to say, I’m sure not going to run from it.  Ok, do you think I’ve over analyzed what it’s all about?  Be honest!  I have a tendancy to overthink sometimes, lol.


~ by deveil on JulyUTCb000000pmSun, 10 Jul 2011 15:43:05 +000011 19, 2007.

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