My story

I’ve been trying to write a bit of my story for Scott for his project,  www.scottpasfield.blogspot.com Gay America, It’s kind of strange, hard for me to write, what story do I want to be behind the picture he uses of me, what is my inspirational story to share or words of wisdom.   Maybe share a bit about blogging or writing.  I’ve been writing in journals since I was 12.   Now I’m trying to write a my story for him.  I’m trying to figure out which direction to go.  My mom gave me a journal when I was in the 6th grade on my birthday.  The card said “Write down your feelings, it’s important to express your feelings somehow and let them be known.”  Seems I’ve been doing that ever since.  I have to date about 15 journals.  I write to express myself.    I’ve written all these years to leave something of myself, so I guess I chose to do the same now as I’m try and write my story.  I’m also wanting to write that I’m trying to learn about myself so I can help in trying to understand others.  I’ve always thought of myself as a happy person.  Anyone that knows me knows I always, well most of the time have a smile on my face.   I turned 40 last year, with 41 right around the corner.  I’m also gay.  That means happy right.  Some may think diffrent.  I think I’ve had a smile on my face most of my life.  I’ve always hoped there was good for me in the future.  Although things do get tough at times.  I’m still trying hard to find happiness in myself, but I guess there’s nowhere else we can find it.  The big picture for me today is to look out on this peaceful morning as the sun shines down on my skin, and the energy I feel from nature around me, the calming effect of the breeze in the trees, and the lake below.  Even the sound of the Ocean, which is only a few minutes’s ride away.  Just surrender to a higher power.  Just saying O.K. God, I hear you, thank you, and I’ll do whatever you want.  I think we are all put here on this world for a purpose, not all will find this purpose, not all will find this peace or purpose but I can look into person’s eyes and know if they have found it.  I remember the first time I saw it and I’ve been looking for it ever since and will continue until I do.  We are also put here to react to one another.  To trust ourselves , others, and the goodness of life, and the good intentions God has for us.  It’s not easy though and problems will seem overwhelming and there will be days that scare us.  We may feel needy, scared, ashamed, or not want to get out of bed.  In these moments we may feel that things and people outside ourselves hold our key to happiness.  I’ve been told this over and over, now it’s time to believe it and realize that people or things can’t stop our pain or heal us.  All change is up to us and it begins there.  I think back to my days of a boy, I loved watching Davy Crockett on Disney on Sunday nights, he was one of my childhoot heroes.  That song comes to mind just thinking about him.  I was always a reader, so when I got in college I happened to come across a book on his life David Crockett.   The book traced his real life experiences, and they were much different from the person I had watched in countless movies, and those Disney shows.   There was humanness, a man who made mistakes and had serious personal problems.   The book left him flawed and frail.  In some ways this was disappointing to me and in ways it was re-assuring to me.   I guess I was disappointed because he was less than I had come to believe, but re-assuring because the real Crockett was more accessible to me, and even more of a hero.   So I wonder how I come across in my writings on myself.   If there is a way to describe myself it’s much like he was, full of flaws, and far less than perfect.  I’ll keep working, I’ll keep working on this guess this entry helped me get started a least.   I’m going to have to shorten it probably.

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~ by deveil on SeptemberUTCb000000pmSat, 20 Sep 2008 14:16:47 +000008 19, 2007.

5 Responses to “My story”

  1. A beautiful heartfelt beginning to the story. Dear friend, I hope you find your purpose, your peace,

  2. “…not all will find this purpose, not all will find this peace …” Rejoice that you have found it!

  3. Beautiful glipse inside thoughts and feelings behind this authentic man and his artful purpose. Connection, Unity the point in which all belief in separation from others, from the universe is dispelled this is what I know about my purpose and of this you remind me. Huge hugs, R. Todd Faulkner

  4. ==>All change is up to us and it begins there.

    Amen to that, brother D.!

  5. Very nice story it’s almost like my own story. If you like to discuss one day please do

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