Thoughts on my writing a month before I moved to Jacksonville

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I’m feeling a little reflective tonight, I picked up one of my journal’s started back on Sept 23, 1991.  A few month’s before I moved to Jacksonville.  It read’s:

“Once again I start another journal, writing to express myself.   I’ve been doing this as long as I can remember.    I’m Derek, I’m twenty-three years old.   I’m also gay.   I’ve always hoped there was good for me in the future, although things do seem to get tough and scary at times.   I still think things will get better.   It’s not easy to find happiness within myself yet I tell everyone I am happy.   I put a smile on my face.   I know I have to find happiness within, not just because everyone’s always told me that, but I just know it.  I’ve always fantacized about this fairy tale or prince charming, if he ever did come around I’d probably be down in the swamp kissing frogs.   Really I’m not so naive, I know life’s definitely no fairy tale and you have to workd at love and relationships.  Speaking of relationships they are like a dance, feel the energy, you can  almost see it racing back and forth between the two who love.  The energy I feel is with the man that I’m moving to Jacksonville to be with.   We’ve been together for almost three years.  We’ve had our ups and downs.  I’ll be there in less than a month, then it will be the beginning of we lived happily ever after.  Come on, I just wrote I know better than believing in fairy tales.   It all does seem like a fantasy to me.   I know we will face challenges.  I just hope we can survive them.”

    
     When I first moved to Jacksonville in 1991 I was twenty three years old boy with a lot on his mind.   I say I was a boy, but I guess I was a man, I was definitely living with a man twelve years older than myself.   I was thinking of the friends I’d meet and make, the new job that I was about to start.   I sit here tonight thinking how I’ve matured in this wonderful city of Jacksonville and how my priorities have changed.  Funny I wrote in the first few sentences I was gay.   In that journal I was at the start of a new relationship.  People ask me now all the time am I looking, you know upon finding a man.  I tell them I’m looking, and of course I get the “your not going to find him when your looking”, so I say o.k. then I”m not looking.  I’m looking for something I didn’t look for in my twenties, I didn’t really look for in my thirties, I may have said I did, but I look for honestly and sincerity more than anything.  I do have a career that I’ve been with for almost fourteen year’s.   Also a love for photography that has let me also make some money on the side that I hope to see grow, that I know will grow.  This road to growing up has definitely been winding and often unpredictable, it has taken me through many parts of Jacksonville.   There is so much beauty I’ve found along the way.  I find in many ways I’m looking for some of the same things I’ve always strived for.   I’ve also found many things I never imagined to have found that change, yes change my perspective.   Life is still an adventure for me, at times I find myself still in worry, but I still have faith that everything will work out.   I know there still will be challenges just like I knew at the ripe old age of 23.   I’m so thankful for this journey I’m on, and for all those who have touched my life in so many ways.  Here’s two pictures of me and the twins, they are so cute.
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~ by deveil on FebruaryUTCb000000pmWed, 20 Feb 2008 21:15:21 +000008 19, 2007.

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