I grieve

city.jpgThere’s a song from the “City of Angels” soundtrack called “I grieve” by Peter Gabriel.  I find myself playing that song a lot lately.  The days aren’t always easy, some days just hit you like a brick wall.   Listening to this song just brings out the raw emotion of it all.  Grief is being experienced, because, at the very least, I’ve lost the emotional investment I made in a relationship. There’s a sense of failure, hopelessness, loss, despair, fear everytime I hear this song, but I find myself listening to it over and over again.  I’ve been experiencing pain emotionally and physically.  Seems sitting here alone I bring up memories of past relationships and their endings as well, but in ways I guess I need to revisit these past hurts, look at them again and see if I can heal them.  I’ve had a few emails asking me if I was going through depression.   Hmm, it hurts.  But I don’t feel all consumed.   The last three days have been really hard for me.  I’ve lost some weight, my sleeping has changed, I’m sleeping a lot.  I am doing some positive things to spend my time.  But I know I can’t avoid anything I’m feeling because I end up feeling it in my body.   I just have to be real with my feelings.   So that means I may not be writing on here as much, I sure don’t want to be a Debbie Downer.    Then again, I may keep writing, in ways it is very healing for me.  I also have what is in my heart, and that helps keep me going as well.  Then there is my family and friends.   I can’t express how much that has meant to me.  I also have an appointment to my therapist next week.   A much needed appointment.  Also thank you for the emails to all my blogger friends, for their support and prayers and thoughts.   I guess this is a process.  I have to feel the pain, I can’t ignore it.

Peter Gabriel’s

“I Grieve”it was only one hour ago
it was all so different then
there’s nothing yet has really sunk in
looks like it always did
this flesh and bone
it’s just the way that you would tied in
now there’s no-one home

i grieve for you
you leave me
‘so hard to move on
still loving what’s gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on

the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i can’t handle this

i grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing what’s gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and on

life carries on
in the people i meet
in everyone that’s out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

it’s just the car that we ride in
a home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
and life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

did I dream this belief?
or did i believe this dream?
now i can find relief
i grieve

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~ by deveil on OctoberUTCb000000pmWed, 10 Oct 2007 18:42:10 +000007 19, 2007.

7 Responses to “I grieve”

  1. I don’t comment here much, but just want you to know that, ongoing, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. Just wondering how you changed your header in WordPress. I wanted to but saw no way to do it.

  3. You know you’re always in my thoughts bud. As much as you say you are moving on, I think we all need to have some idea as to why a past relationship failed, even if we contributed. Learning from our past, helps us grow in the future and be more successful in future matters. You know what I’m trying to say!

  4. I wanted to alopgize for my insensitivity in my question yesterday. I popped over here and saw your header and was like OMG! It can be changed. I came back this morning to actually read the post.

    Anyway, hang in there buddy. I think writing is good for the soul and an amazing way to head towards recovery. You should keep it up!

  5. to grieve is necessary in order to move on. but in order to make this grievance useful to our existences, we must have 2 things in mind: when you grieve, don’t repress yourself. say it, scream it, cry it out, yell it, feel it; once you really take it outside your heart, you’re not holding it so dear again. the second thing is to let go. this is like a disposable tissue (sorry, you know my english sucks, i dunno hot to explain it), once you use it, you cannot use it again. and even if you do, you wont feel as comfy as if you try with something new.

    this was helpful to me. i hope you’re feeling better.

    you deserve all the happiness in this world, for being kind and warm even to strangers (when i was really down, your words brought me joy and hope). i never thanked you properly, cuz i believe in actions. maybe this is the best way to show how grateful i am to you.

    let me know hot things are going, ok?

    J

  6. Everyone grieves in their own way. For me, writing things down, either on the blog or in a private place, helps me to get the thoughts out of my head, and also helps me to develop those thoughts. I can move on from the initial thoughts and feelings and see how they evolve.

    Don’t rush yourself. Don’t hold back. *hugs*

  7. Love and grief are first cousins. Sometimes it’s hard to tell them apart…

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