Happy Father’s Day

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A couple of years ago I had taken all my mom and dad’s old movies and made a vcr tape of them.  They were tapes dating back to when my dad was in high school all the way till I was around 8 or nine.  My grandfather had an old video recorder, he passed it on to my dad, and now I have it, it doesn’t work though, but I still have it as a reminder.  Most of these old films I may have seen when I was younger but not as an adult.  I saw these films of me as a baby and as a toddler.  Sometime I guess in my teens I built up a resentment for my father.  I had issues.  Many I never discussed with him and kept them to myself, I had even at one time convinced myself that my dad didn’t even love me.  Then I watched these video’s of a man with so much love in his eyes, so many dreams.  He had this baby in his arms.  He held him up and smiled like I’ve never remembered my dad smile.  He laid in the bed with this baby, this little part of him and everything seemed to be alright in the world.  I remember that first time watching it as an adult and I cried and cried hard.  Because there was no doubt in my mind that he loved me.  Forget all the things that I thought he’d done wrong in rasing me.  Being to hard on me, feeling he didn’t love me for me.  He did!  It was right there on film and I had told myself something else.  I’d convinced myself that wasn’t true.  He did and he still does.  I love him too!  Life changes, and changes you.  He is a good man!  I got many wonderful things from him.  He did have a big heart, even though he tried to hide it.  I’m a dreamer much like he was or maybe still is.  I miss many parts of him because I feel like I don’t know him as well as I’d like too.  I know him much as I did as a child, but as an adult there is still much to learn, about myself and him as well.  We all love him very much.  Sherry, Dena, Lance, and I.  We love you!  Happy Father’s Day.  Have you ever heard the phrase “Your just like your father”?  That was not a phrase I heard much.  If anything we were not a lot alike.  I’m not ashamed of my father.  We were very different.  There was never an easiness between us.  We were never very close, guess we still aren’t but I know him.  And yes, I love him.  I was raised in a family where I heard love talk from my mother.  It was always soft, sweet, and gentle.  Dad on the other hand was louder when he talked.  He probably never heard the advice, “Don’t ever strike or shout at your children, physical or verbal wounds may scar them forever.”  He didn’t really wear his feeling on the outside for anyone to see.  He didn’t feel he needed to chatter a lot to be heard like me.  Even though we never talked about our feelings when I was  akid and weren’t anything alike except maybe our looks.  I always told myself I know he cares about me.  Somehow I’ve always known that beneath the tough exterior was the most special, loving, and caring father in the world.  After all I did catch him crying every now and then in a episode of “Little House on the Prarie”.  So anyway guess I just want to say I do love my dad, even if we’ve never really shared much how we feel.  He’s a lot different now than I remember as a child.   Sometimes I wish I knew him better.  He’s still a stranger to me at times, but maybe I’m a stranger to him as well.

Also I’ve had numerous emails and comments about wanting a picture of me with the new no beard look, it’s already growing back, but anyway here it is, taken today.

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~ by deveil on JuneUTCb000000pmSun, 17 Jun 2007 13:02:17 +000007 19, 2007.

4 Responses to “Happy Father’s Day”

  1. That was a very touching post. Growing up, my Dad could be cold and distant (as many Marines were/are). I’m just SO thankful that he mellowed with age and that we have a good relationship now.

    I really like the beardless photo…very attractive. 😉

  2. I love the journey you took us down. From the pics to the stories…..thansk!

  3. Looks like you have your father’s eyes! It’s an amazing feeling, seeing those old movies of your father, being a young boy, and as a young man. I can imagine the tears…

    I hope your dad had a great Father’s Day!! I’m sure he did!

    BTW, you look great with or without the beard. Just so you know! 🙂

  4. nice post
    I am glad to hear that you are on the mend.

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