I’ve been sitting and laying around a lot thinking, guess that all I have to do, way to much if I should add.   I sit here and laugh sometimes, at moments I wonder who I was, and who I am? Was this person me? I’ve written of beginnings, many beginnings. Of endings, almost as many. Then I read the last page of one of my journals that I ended on June 21st, 1993.

Well, the last page at last. Always my favorite page. I’ve been thinking of how to end this. My English 101 teacher Dr. Campbell believed the last phrase connects with the entirity of your writing. But this won’t mark an end to my writing, I’m sure there will be more to write about in the future, and maybe one day I will be looking back and reading all these pages, and this page. I wonder what my life will bring? Beginnings and Endings

The beginning can be awkward, interesting, easy, quick plundging us into involvement. Endings are usually wise, very sad, stressful, and functional. The end is always yet to come. But I have today to laugh, cry, shout, love, and be myself so I’m not worrying about an end.

Thought that was cool that I found this old journal of 1993 tonight. I think I have about 14 old journals now.   I still think of many beginnings and many endings, I’m sure looking for an ending of this pain, in my back, the first procedure is Monday and I’m oh so ready.   Yesterday I laid around and poor ole Abby was just crying and crying, so I got in the bathtub and gave her a bath, it was the only way to bathe her since I really couldn’t bend over.   She felt like a little princess afterwards.   She’s such a sweet little girl, but I sure was hoping for a little quiet, and luckily Turk wanted to take her for the night, so I have had the nicest peaceful day, I got to sleep long, Abby usually wakes me up right after Mike leaves for work, so it was nice to have a real day off.   I went and got a smoothie, took a heritage quest class at the library.  More genealogy stuff.   The back is not hurting too bad today, not feeling too good either.   Lately I’ve been finding it really hard to really connect with Mike.  Not sure what’s up, but he just seems so far away.   He’s also doing some things that just aren’t him that I can’t figure out.  Like for the first two years of our relationship I smoked, yeah nasty I know.   He always wanted me to quit.  So this Jan I quit.  Now for the last 2 weeks, he just started smoking out of the blue.   He blames it on stress.   But I’m not so sure.  I’ve been wondering a lot on my feelings as well.   How I feel?   How i truly feel.   I’m not sure if the pain pills have clouded my feelings or what.   I just don’t feel like I’ve been feeling to much of anything.   Not particularly close to Mike but not fussing either.   Why do I feel like things have to be either wonderful or terrible.   Why can’t I be comfortable when things or just in the middle.  With the ole back going out, it’s been no sex too, I think that is taking a toll on us as well.   I think it is stressing us out!   Well this is only temporary, and I have to keep telling myself this.   Life continues!   Hope all are having a great weekend.   Wish I was at gay disney!


~ by deveil on JuneUTCb000000pmSat, 02 Jun 2007 13:36:54 +000007 19, 2007.

3 Responses to “”

  1. WEll D,

    If you need to talk, give me a ring. I’d chalk some of it up to stress for the both of you. You tell Mike I told him to lose the smoking…if he’s dealing with high blood pressure this will really shot it through the moon, not to mention harm him in other ways.

    Don’t be afraid to ASK Mike if he is ok. Tell him what you are sensing and let him know that you are just trying to determine if you are right or wrong about that intuition. You know that ol’ word ‘communication.’ Huggerz!

  2. Sorry to hear you are still in pain and under the weather (and not the sheets). Your meds do have a dulling effect on the brain which is why it knocks the pain out; There are other ways you can connect (LOL) with Mike “No pain…no gain”. Hang in there bud…In Baton Rouge this weekend at the townhouse; enjoy my roommates’ company, he’s a great tour guide, and we connect spiritually. It was
    very quiet here last night-I chose not to ride down to New Orleans with him but to stay and unpack, put up, organize, etc. I stood it until about 11pm, then headed downtown and after 30 ninutes of LOUD music, drag queen shows and watch “everybody else” talking, laughing, decided my own bed and a movie would suffice….I know…old age! Take care and if what you two are doing isn’t working, then change something.

  3. Good to see you back Derek. I hope you start posting lots more. I hope you heal up well. I look forward to maybe one day (If i am the luckiest soul in the world) to get to meet you and Mike. Take care… big BEAR HUG! 😉

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