Thank you Sorted

That sweet Sorted Lives!  Most of my life I’ve had a smile on my face, even when I’m not smiling on the inside.  The last few days I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions but I really havn’t been able to get them all out or really look at them.   Then I read what Sorted wrote, and mostly that song.   What a message.  I’m filled back with hope and happiness.  I”ve written many entries on happiness.  I think I opened something by writing about this subject, cause it’s really got me thinking.  I started thinking if I was able to visit me when I was younger, and asked myself as a kid would I say I am happy.  Yes, I think that little kid would say he was happy.  But now as I look back at that kid, I realize there were times he really wasn’t happy.  He had a wonderful mother that loved him.  He had a family.  He had sister’s and a brother that he loved deeply.  But there was a sadness deep down.  In ways as I look back at that little kid.  I see him as someone that was in his own world.  Escaping from all reality.  There were many joys I would have liked to of experienced.   Even writing this right now I have some feelings of “get over it”.  Quit looking back.  I sometimes think I was happy in my little world.  It gave me a distraction, and I didn’t have to deal with any of the sad feelings.  Then without warning my childhood was over.  Sometimes I still want it back.  After I left home I had to learn from scratch what it meant for me to be happy.  It was  like many things a trial and error kind of thing, finding out what gave me pleasure and what didn’t.  I’ve gone through so many stages it seems from very outgoing, to very much in my shell and staying away from everyone.  I thought I could be happy being by myself, doing things on my own.  At first it was a nice freedom for me, but I soon found out I was much happier around other people, doing things together.  It doesn’t depend on the other people or the actions or JUDGEMENTS of anyone else.  It’s still up to me.  I still enjoy my alone time as well and look forward to my meditations and quiet times.  Seems I need them both.  I also think sometimes of the things I did to turn happiness into unhappiness.  Strangely enough I’ve been guilty of doing this at times that are supposed to be celebrations, my celebrations, like my birthday.  It may have been a wonderful party all for me, but some reason inside I turned it into something I didn’t feel I was entitled causing myself much un-needed anxiety or even sabotaged it.  In the past I think I even may have blamed anyone else.   Last year was the first year I just let myself enjoy my birthday for what it was.   So I ask myself now, Are you happy Derek?   I guess what is really important is not yesterday’s memories, but today’s realities.  I can enjoy things better now, because I feel I deserve it.   I was once told in the past that I wouldn’t know happiness if it hit me in the face.  That was mean, but I think sometimes it may have held true.  I’m just human, I may share much of my happiness, and many times I ignore the sadness.  But it’s there at times as well.  I have much hope for this world, my world.  After reading Sorted entry, I feel like I can do so much more, I HOPE that I will, I HOPE that I can bring more of me, and of who I am, both happy, and sad, with light and dark, just human. 

Also after reading Sorted’s blog I got an email asking me why I write on wordpress and why I started a blog on blogger.   I had written this story once before, about finding BrettCajun’s blog, and wanting to start my own.   But I thought about it more. 

It started 27 years ago.  I’ll write more about that tomorrow.  I have an idea, but have to think about it some more.  Thank you Sorted for such a sweet entry.

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~ by deveil on AprilUTCb000000pmTue, 03 Apr 2007 21:31:12 +000007 19, 2007.

5 Responses to “Thank you Sorted”

  1. Derek…

    Life mulls ahead and so do we. I’ve learned, the hard way I think that we can’t go backwards or live the past. We take those experiences for what they taught us, hopefully grow from them, and possbily make better memories from the future.

    I’m a free man Derek….school’s out.

  2. You’re well on your way. Life is about learning, and it sounds as though you are asking the same questions most of us do. *Hugs*

  3. You are very welcome, it was my pleasure. I have always believed that you really never know someone until you walk a mile in there shoes. Everyone of us has experienced what you are feeling. You said it best, “I’m human.” Learn from these experiences and build on them.

    You are a sweet guy and have a lot to offer the world. Make the most of it and remember, you mean something to this world!!

  4. Derek-sounds as if you are in a wonderful stage in life…it is that phrase some of us used to dread, but having just had my 54th birthday, I can say it with some pride. It is called Middle Age! And remember, the grey that may begin showing represents wisdom and you apparently have a lot already! I enjoy your post and would enjoy sharing some things with you. Drop me a line sometime.Keep up the good work and run a mile for me-what an inspiration!

  5. smile @ this

    http://bledpoetry.wordpress.com

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