Words of the Past

Oct 22, 1991

I have a friend Jay, he’s 20 and reminds me of myself 3 years ago.   Everyday he has to be filled with a conflict for himself.   He’s really nice, we’ve slept together but never had sex.   We had talked about it before but we just enjoy each other’s company.  He’s always asking so many questions.  Questions I wanted answered very badly three years ago.  He’s so afraid of being himself.   I told him a quote from William James that he needed to “believe that life is worth living and your belief will create that fact, be not afraid to live.”

I met a lady today I wish I had met months ago.  She’s a preacher for the gay church, I didn’t even know we had a gay church, I didn’t even know we had one close by.   She talked to me and I miss feeling the spirit, I need Him in my heart.   I hope I can be gay and be loved in God’s eyes.  I feel like I was born this way, God wouldn’t make me this way and then condemn me to hell.   He loved me like he loves all his children.   I do accept myself for who I am and that means something.  What do I like about myself?   I’m caring, I have a big heart, that’s good and bad, I’m fairly mature for my age, 23.  I’m loving and I give myself room to grow and others around me.   I’m secure in my own worth.   I feel I want the best for my friends.   I like dreaming and fantacizing.  I get along with childeren and they seem to love me.   I’m not shy.   I love to talk.   I’m happy mostly.  Good natured.  Now for the bad.   I’m scared, or I know there will be more bad.   I hate that I feel guilt when someone else has a problem.   That I’m not always honest.  I hate that I try to please everyone instead of myself, sometimes I still feel bored if I don’t have a crisis in my life.   I don’t trust myself  sometimes in my decisions.  The worst thing I hate about myself is having to be alone.   I can’t be alone.   I’m beginning to feel I write in  you so I won’t feel alone, Good night.

It’s funny going back and reading old entries, I had forgot I wrote in my journal sometimes as if it would answer me back.   As if it were a live breathing soul.   Maybe I was just talking to God who knows.  Funny reading the rants of myself at 23 years old and being 39 now, and how different my life is, and how some things have stayed the same.

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~ by deveil on MarchUTCb000000pmWed, 14 Mar 2007 23:15:38 +000007 19, 2007.

12 Responses to “Words of the Past”

  1. I was thinking of doing a self-portrait as well today. But not like THAT! ahaha. I’m sure of it, I like yours much better!!! Have a good Thursday Derek!

  2. Do you guys need me to send you clothes or just more throw pillows?

  3. Oh Derek…you tease. 😛 WOOF! Hmmm…can we see you and Mike both squeezed on that sofa butt naked. Now that’s making my heart sputter!!! LMAO!

    Funny D, for only being 23 when you wrote the above in your journal, you had a pretty good grip in yourself (knowing who you were).

  4. WOO HOO! That’s an excellent photo. 😉

    Thanks for sharing the older entry. It’s great to see where you’ve been, and where you’re headed.

  5. Damn Throw pillow…always in the wrong spot!!

  6. So, the letter from the past had me totally confused….until I’m checking out the dates (duh??). I so remember those crazy times……the pic is hot….to say the least. I can see that my time in FL was not complete.

  7. I think I need to spend some quality time alone admiring that pic. *G*

  8. There isn’t a throw pillow blocking the view in the photo I see posted! 😉 Mom and Dad are driving through your neck of the woods about now on their way to Anna Maria Island near Sarasota. Don’t get up just yet. 🙂

  9. What a hottie!
    I hope we get a new one every week that keeps pushing that pillow away, further and further 🙂

    Hope you boys have a great weekend! How are the legs, back to running yet?

  10. now it is my turn towards fantasy and naughty ideas!

  11. Derek there seems to be a pillow blocking the shot. It must of fallen just as the picture was taken. Can you please retake and post? LOL with droll all over the keyboard.

  12. Damn! I have a couch you’d look perfect on…it has NO pillows.

    I love reading things I wrote years ago. After the initial embarrassment, I usually find the perspective of experience enlightening. Of course, it doesn’t always answer my earlier questions but rather spurs new, more informed queries.

    Life is fun that way!

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