Looking back

The problem with looking back sometimes, it makes you realize much of what you may not want to look back on. Seeing it for what it was. Seeing the hurts you may have caused, and also some that may have come your way. Looking back now, I think when it ended between T and I, he was just hanging on to something out of lonliness, or fear of being alone, I probably was as well, I may be wrong, but that’s what I feel. It was hard for me to move forward. But I tried. First at a party I went to shortly after the break, I saw these blue eyes staring at me from the pool at Tom’s. Crystal blue like the pool. They were the first eyes I saw when I went to the pool party, and the only ones I watched the whole night. But instead of just jumping into something, I tried going slow, and getting to know him first, the more I learned the more I liked about this guy who was much younger than me. Usually I had gone for someone older than myself. I still know we met for a reason and our lives were meant to touch, he made me feel smart, and worldly and inspired. But the pain I caused him was much harder than anything else. In the beginning it was frustrating for him, because I didn’t just jump in the sack for a romp in the hay, I wanted to know his mind and what he thought of this world. Which I saw so much there. There was love, but I denied that love. T came back into my life with a promise of another chance. My love for T was strong, and my love for Ken was just so new, so I went with what was familiar, I went with what was stronger at the time. But I never meant to cause any hurt. But even though I went back, I was still to find things never really go back to the way they are. I can’t say things got easier or better between us, when I look back, it was just a very confusing time for me. I’m just glad we all got through it, K met someone and fell in love shortly after, and I got to know someone for the first time, MYSELF. I finally started moving forward. I know I have been forgiven by both of them now in my life, and it is a good feeling, but those hurts I know I caused will always be there. And I am truly sorry for any pain that I may have caused.
He came into my life and filled a void, he filled the space of someone to be loved, whether it be the love I lost, or the family I left behind. He came into my life and made it richer. We became one, a perfect picture, everything to each other. He came to fill a void and now he’s gone leaving behind the emptiness. I wrote that a long time ago, when I was feeling bad of all the pain I may have caused, but looking at it now, I know we are all richer to have known each other, and where we are today in our lives. He is happy and doing well in Atlanta now, give him a shout at http://whatisthenexus.net/ love those puppies, and his new little one.


~ by deveil on JanuaryUTCb000000pmSat, 20 Jan 2007 16:28:00 +000007 19, 2007.

One Response to “Looking back”

  1. Derek I can’t imagine you causing anyone pain. Not directly. I am glad things worked out and you too are still friends.

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