Wild To REAL


Wild Image, Is this really me
I havn’t written in the blog for a while. What happened in my life next was a big one. How do I describe it? How do I write about it? Where do I start. I don’t want to romanticize it, although it was cute how it first started. How life just kept throwing us back together in front of each other. Part of me wants to write it to him, thinking somehow he would read it, and it would make some impact, but another part of me just wants to write it and release. 1999, I was living wild, circuit parties, traveling all over. Internet wild man! How do I describe this change. This new me that came into the world. I’d experienced many things in life, but what I was about to experience was new too me. I had met him years earlier at a party. My Papa the only male figure in my life at the time that I truly loved and knew loved me uncontionally had just passed away. At the time I was with David, but at this party, which I had probably drank a bit too much this man came through the door, head shaved, shaped exactly like my Papa, eyes burning brown intense just like his. I was pretty young, and for some reason just came over and plopped myself down on this handsome stranger. He knew very little about me, and I knew nothing about him, someone asked me to go to the car and get some ice, he walked me out, next thing I remember was kissing him. Then David walking down and catching us. We left that party early. As time passed, our path’s crossed from time to time, once at the beach I even stopped and said hello. But he really wouldn’t do anything but give me a friendly smile because he knew I was with someone. Then I was single, once again our path’s began crossing. I saw him on a row at Home Depot, wanting to stop and give him my number, but I didn’t. I actually lost him in there, I looked and looked but couldn’t find him. Then one night out with my friends he came up to me again. I was in my usual slutwear. Daisy Dukes and a buttonup shirt, sleeves cut off. I wanted to talk but we were always pulled in different directions. Then I meet again, and we talk, and talk, and talk, flirt, and flirt, and flirt, and last minute. I tell myself why am I being so silly this guy wouldn’t be interested in me. And in a second while he goes to the bathroom, I disappear. Weeks later I’m at gaypride in Orlando dancing at an afterhours party, the next thing I know he’s dancing right there in front of me. O.k. we both realized then that something was supposed to happen between us. What I had no idea. The relationship started with me telling him all about myself. My sorted past, my wild tales, my story of I don’t think I could ever be faithful, I”d never done it in the past. I told him of my two month story, I only date two months then I move on to the next. I warned him in advance. Well I’ll stop with the story here, it lasted more than two months. I hold many memories. I hold the fact that it was the first time I ever loved. It was the first time that I ever lost love. I could sit here and tell you so many things I learned, but that’s not what this is about. I learned one important thing. I became Real. Just like in the story, “The Veleveteen Rabbit”. I’m not giving him all the credit for this fact. For I became real to myself. I did the work. But I will say knowing him, started me on the process, it was emotional at times, it was crazy at times. I felt things like courage, and vulnerabilty things I’d never felt before. It was also painful. But most of all I am forever grateful. Before I met Tripp, I had a hunger, but the hunger wasn’t fulfilling me, it was giving me no value or meaning. It wasn’t overnight, it was gradual, it still is, because I’m still have a hunger for a sense of meaning, a true value, at times I feel it completely and wholy, at times I second guess. After I knew Tripp, I had a hunger, for almost a year I kept a journal of letters to him, thoughts to him, this person that maybe I put way too high on a pedestal. He was real to me! I know I need to nurture my values, my interests, my passions and connect with others in positive realtionships. It sure takes effort. I’m still designing it, I’m still creating it. I’m still not perfect, and I never will be. All I know is I did my best. My best wasn’t quite good enough, and there were things we both did that weren’t the definition of love. I didn’t become real in this relationship, I was further from it than I wanted to be. But I knew it was real for the first time in my life that I desired. So the greatest reward in knowing Tripp was learning that I can be real. Everything I say and do, does matter, it’s not stuff, or power or achievement, but just knowing that you are using your time here well, that you are connected to others and that your life matters. He left a mark on me, he leaves a mark on just about anyone he meets. I was angry when he was gone from my life. But now I am just thankful! I become more thankful each day, even if our live’s never cross path’s again. I think this is one of my favorite pictures I took of him. I’m not sure why?

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~ by deveil on NovemberUTCb000000pmSat, 11 Nov 2006 18:26:00 +000006 19, 2007.

5 Responses to “Wild To REAL”

  1. Daisy Dukes and long sleeve button up shirt with cutoff sleeves…lordy D, you were a wild one. As we use to tease one of my sisters about when she was merely three-four years old, could we see your honey-buns from those shorts?!!?!?? HEHEHE!

  2. man what an outfit. Can you please wear it the next time we get together?

    Thanks for sharing.

  3. that’s powerful

  4. I’d agree…powerful.

    Funny how our lives run tandem for awhile…maybe we know its an important person who will change our lives…but mostly we don’t.

    Not until much later anyway. Thanks for sharing one of your milemarkers on the long journey…

  5. HELLO DEREK

    HOW ARE U ???

    HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!!!!!

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