In 1999 I started a time travelers journal, a place for me to reflect on the past, present, and future as I was traveling towards the turn of the century and the beginning of a new millennium. I made wishes for the 21st centrury. I made visions of what the Big Picture was for me at the time. Here it is another New Year approaching and I’m still feeling I’m looking for many of the same things. I’m still looking for the “Big Picture” so to speak. I’m still looking for peace of mind, and purpose. I go back six years and read over my journals and I’m thankful. I remember those really hard times I was going through. I feel stronger in many ways today. I was reading over at Brother Bear’s of the pain making you stronger and being a chance to be reborn. Right now I’m feeling much, much to much pain to describe in words. But it really wasn’t so painful or hard as the first steps I took six years ago. It’s hard in a different way now. I also read today of New Years’s of this closeness I felt with nature or the spirit. I still long for that closeness. I’m still looking for happiness within myself. I think about the first steps of healing or recovering that I took a little over six years ago, and I think now, am I still recovering? Will I ever get there? Yes, I went to my psychologist today.


~ by deveil on OctoberUTCb000000amWed, 18 Oct 2006 01:31:00 +000006 19, 2007.

12 Responses to “Reflecting”

  1. Derek…

    Sending lots of hugs out. I know the weight your feeling will be lifted. True love is a sacrafice and a testament to trust…give that some real thought. If two people can not share in that sacrafice, true love can not be perfected.

    Nice post.

  2. It bothers me to know how badly you are hurting – how badly both of you are hurting… please, both of you, take the time to listen, understand, and be willing to make changes and sacrifices as well as knowing where to stand firm… you are both very special people – wonderful individuals who love each other very much – love is never an easy thing, but the rewards far outweigh the sacrifices… you both are in my thoughts…

  3. I am saddened to hear your pain
    You are not alone though; when in pain there are others nearby to help you press on.

  4. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. You did the right thing by getting help/guidance from a professional. I do it on occassion myself.

    Big hugs coming your way.

  5. Stay strong buddy. You’re in my thoughts. Your words speak loudly.

  6. I am thinking about you! You are such a sweet man and I wish you the best!

  7. Add my voice to the chorus of those who wish you nothing but the best. May the coming days bring you peace and wholeness within yourself, with those you love, and with your world.

    Giant bear HUGS to you, my friend!

  8. Derek:

    Hang in there buddy. I wish you all the luck and love in the world. If I were there, I’d give you and Mike a big hug and tell ya’ll it’ll be okay.


  9. Just to let you know I’m thinking about you.

  10. Just checking in – hoping today is a better day for you…

    Thinking of you…

  11. lwI hate feeling disconnected. I really hate it. And I hate it when you feel it, too.

  12. I’m so out of the loop as I’ve been out of blogland most of the week. I’m not sure what’s going on; but I’m sorry you are in emotional pain. I know that feeling and I hope you continue to reach out; when you need to. It’s obvious you’ve got plenty of folks willing to support you – including me 🙂

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