No this is not an episode of Jerry Springer

I’m going back a little far on this memory. I read it and think of what I was going through at the time I wrote it. I’ve had people ask me before, have I ever been with a woman. I so wanted a normal life or what felt normal. I drew this of the a woman, one of the women that was in my life. I was only 16 when we met.
What if we hadn’t kissed? Would I have ever known what it was like to be with a woman? We met the night Scott and I babysat your two kids. You were seven year my senior. A week later we came and he wasnt’ there and we had been drinking. The kiss was a dare but became more. I had studied you. Your beautiful black hair. I thought of Celopatra. Your face, eyes, liops, eyebrows! I found you energy, humor, and personality irresistible. I held back for a long time. You were patient! I so longed to be straight. I thought you had changed me after it was over. I was joyous. Afterwards I thought am I still gay?  Then I saw her husbands brother again, Scott was my friend, we were bagboys at Winn Dixie, it got lonely when my best friend David moved away.  I remember a certain communication between Scott and my eyes.  We spent many nights together, I felt we both wanted the same thing.  No matter what T and I did, it was nothing to the way I felt about Scott.  Our sex had a lot of play in it.  Rubbing each other, teasing, laughing.   We never discussed it in our young lives, but we both wanted it.   When he figured out what was going on with his brother’s wife and me, I’m sure it hurt him.   He told me we wouldn’t be able to be friends again.   How did something so messed up end.  Well things ended, life went on.   I have often thought back on this time with mixed thoughts.  As messed up as it may sound, it was my life.  Scott and I were just young kids.  It’s not our fault how some of the grownups around us acted.   I had wished I could have just disappeared with Scott.  He was the one that had my heart.  He was the one that I cared about.   But I was so lost in trying to be what I thought everyone else wanted.   I did see Scott once more, it was about twenty years ago in Valdosta, both of us have changed.  We talked a little about the things we had done and the things we were ashamed of.   I think I apologized.   I think he was about to get married or something.  We had one night together.  But to be honest, I can’t remember a lot about that last night together, just knew I was glad that he was there with me.  I saw T again when my niece was born.   At the time I was with Tripp, and I was in the hospital room where Autumn was, T was the nurse there, and I was shocked as all get out when she walked through the door.  It was a bit overwhelming.  We acted like we didn’t know each other.  I could see in her eyes her saying she was sorry, even though she never told me that as a teenager.    I don’t feel the same as I did when it all happened.   When I was young I thought life was supposed to be a soap opera.   It was an adventure.   I never thought about the hurt that was caused in it all.  From a husband with two children that had no idea.  A woman who was very much still a young girl with two children, that found she still wanted to be young.   The only thing that really felt real was the way I felt for Scott, because if I’m honest I never had any feelings for anyone but him, only I was too young to tell him that.  I wondered for a long time after that time he came to visit me in Valdosta what happened with him, if he married and had kids.   I can feel forever young when I think of him, laughing and drinking Boone’s farm strawberry hill.  We did like to drink.


~ by deveil on JulyUTCb000000pmMon, 17 Jul 2006 16:58:00 +000006 19, 2007.

2 Responses to “No this is not an episode of Jerry Springer”

  1. Well Derek…

    I have to admit, you are very open about your relationships from the past. Hope you are feeling better when it comes to the back. I’m glad you enjoyed the blogger friendship post ’cause I was in a good mood adter talking with you and Pete!

  2. And you can draw too. You were blessed with some good genes. I can remeber highschool and college kissing girls and they never did anything for me. I kept thinking ok this one will turn the swith but it never happened. But kissing a man just feels so good and right. No more wondering.

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