Decisions

As we lay sharing his queen size bed with white feather comforter, he told me what he wanted from me, actually describing his ideal mate. I had been seeing him only for about a month. My companion was  Joe, he was a young assistant district attourney. He had reached out in search for love once with a guy who hurt him. Joe made it hard for me to understand him. As we lay naked in bed I thought of how alike we were in terms of love-sex relationships. I satisfied and comforted him, happily he did the same for me. Things were going so fast, and I grew to love him quickly, but wasn’t quite ready to say it so quickly because the only relationship I had said it before so quickly seemed to end so quickly. I did however tell my friends Del and my ex David that I was in love with him.  David had wanted me to move back and for us to get back together, but I told David I had met Joe, and was in love.   I talked honestly about what we wanted and I couldn’t make any promises and that I still wasn’t ready to jump into another relationship after David unless I was sure.  For a brief time I felt some amazing things, like romance, something I’d never really  experienced before.   Bubble bath’s, and much much more.   I was feeling love but for some reason I wasn’t letting myself say I loved. That became the end of a fun brief fling. There was no waking up in his arms in the morning. I didn’t tell him what he wanted to hear. Yet sometimes I wonder if I had. Joe was the only person I dated that I really cared for and deep down I really loved him, I just didn’t want to tell him when he wanted me to, I wanted to tell him when I wanted too. I decided to tell him a day late, the next day after he broke up because I wouldn’t tell him I loved him at the BBQ place we had gone to for dinner because it felt like he was making me say it, when all along I wanted to say it.   I decided to drive over while he was at work the next day, and wait for him to tell him I love him.  I had it all pictured in my head. Instead what I found was a note on the side of the bed from his ex that had hurt him, saying thanks for last night. So he never even got to find out I actually thought I loved him, because I left and never came back. Shortly afterwards David and I got back together and we moved to Jacksonville, Florida together. I wrote this the last night in my house in Valdosta.  Bare walls, empty rooms, rugs up, pictures down. I wonder if my footsteps leave any kind of mark to show my passing life in these four rooms. I wonder if they leave any prints in hearts that I met here, I called Joe to tell him I was moving to Jacksonville, secretly hoping he would tell me that he loved me, or wishing that I could tell him that I loved him, but it was too late, I didn’t tell him that night he wanted me to at BBQ.  My last night I rode by Joe’s house, he wasn’t home, in my dream I met him at the door, in my dream it was to be our last time together, or in my dream a new life together.   He reached out for me, we went to the bed and plunged into a storm of sensation.  I drove back home and looked at my apartment, the little bed was the only thing left of my days in Valdosta, I laid there and thought of places I wanted to touch his body with my mouth, that I’d never be able to touch again.  I pinched my nipples with my  hand which gave me a certain delight. I thought of his  rhythmic motion that I missed.   I wondered if I’d ever see him again.   I tried finding him after I moved away to Jacksonville, he moved shortly after I moved to Jacksonville.  Every year I try for a few month’s going through white page searches.   The strange thing is he never knew I even loved him.  Wonder if he’ll ever pop back in my life, like sometimes in life that happens.  But rare. 

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~ by deveil on JulyUTCb000000pmThu, 13 Jul 2006 19:44:00 +000006 19, 2007.

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