Questions from a reader

A reader of my blog that doesn’t have a blog, emailed me a list of questions, so thought I’d answer them on my blog.

1. At what age did you realize that you were gay? I don’t remember a specific age, I’ve always known I was attracted to men. But it was more than that. So I would say I realized it or admitted to it when I came out, which is my second question.
2. What is your coming out story? (it’s one thing we all have in common and I love to hear others about their story. from what I can tell you have never mentioned it in your journal) I guess first love is supposed to be the sweetest, and it was sweet. It was my second quarter in college. I was a psychology major, and took lots of psych classes to begin with, there was another guy that always sat next to me in my classes. I was always drawing women, mostly nude women. But there was something about him. Something familiar. I was also an actor and had tried out for the play “Hold Me”,by Jules Pfeiffer. He was a stage director and did set design. I remember the first time he asked could he sit at my study table at the student center. I was all nervous. At the time my ex girlfriend was also sitting with me. The three of us became friends. A friendship grew, then one night after a day of swimming with friends at their pool, we went to the pub afterwards, local college hangout, we ended up going back to his dorm room, and I stayed because I had been drinking. Flash ahead to the next morning. Driving to lunch, he said “about last night”. We talked about it, we became closer, became roomates, fell in love. He had dyslexia, and we took all our classes together, I would read our lessons to him, and he would just comprehend, it would make me so mad that I had to read and reread for myself to get it, and he would get it from me reading it to him just once. All of our friends noticed us becoming closer and even commented that we acted like a couple. I wasn’t ready to be public with everything, to family or friends. Allien was and he wrote his paper in college about it, and made an A, but in the process outed us. His sister who had a key to our place came in and found the paper and read it, and told his parents. They weren’t happy to say the least or accepting, but our friends were. My coming out to my family was a little diffrent. I was at my cousin’s wedding, and drank quite a bit the night before, anyway coming to bed late I came in my mom’s room and wanted some attention I guess. Wanted mama’s love. She said what are you doing, I said you don’t love me, and she said yes I do, there’s nothing you could do that would make me not love you. I said really, even if I killed someone, she said even if you killed someone. Even If I was gay? She said even if you were gay. “Well, mom, I’m gay!” She said, Derek if you don’t know by now whatever makes you happy, makes me happy, then you don’t know me very well. Then I think I cried some. I don’t really remember, like I said I drank a good bit, the next day my mom cried during the wedding, and I knew she was crying because she wasn’t going to be seeing a wedding like this with me. My whole family have been very supportive.
3. How do you merge and/or mend your beliefs with your religion with societys & religions view on homosexuality?I find this to be the hardest question of all and could probably do an entry on this one all by itself. I will leave it to something Jesus said “Love one another” I grew up in a Christian family, but I will admit, being gay and being a christian was hard growing up. It was conflicting and hard, and if you read my teenage diaries there was a lot of confusion and depression. But I’ve always had a faith in Jesus, no matter what anyway judged me of, it’s me who lives this life, I know the diffrence from right and wrong for me, and that is all that matters. I live the best life I can and strive to live a life based on love. I can only be me. This is me, and the God that loves me made me. I strive to be true with me. I am made in His image and, as an old black lady named Moms Mabry used to say, God don’t make no messes! I still feel I have more to say so may make another entry on this subject. Thanks J!

Couldn’t remember if I’d shared this before in here, but if I have here it is again.


~ by deveil on MayUTCb000000pmThu, 25 May 2006 17:44:00 +000006 19, 2007.

4 Responses to “Questions from a reader”

  1. Great to find out a little more about you! Love the part about your faith, I definetly feel the same way you do about that. I look forward to reading more about that…it’s going to be an ongoing theme in my blog, too.

  2. Thanks for sharing and giving a little more insite into you.

  3. Derek….

    I really wish we could sit down and talk about so many things. This is one area – you obviously saw my post today on Medugorje. Well while it was about living a simple life primarily you definitely saw the religious undertone. I hope that when I get out there that we will have some time to just talk in general about things of importance or significance, so much that we seem to share.

    Was this post coincidence with mine or was it something that struck a cord after perhaps reading my post. Just curious.

  4. Can’t say i’m a religious guy anymore, but I suppose my experiences with the church were pretty damn strange all around since my priest was a kiddy-diddler.

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