Still thinking

So what I’m wondering is all the people that you let into your world, that have been a part of your world. Once you let them in, are they always a part of you. Do you ever look in the mirror and in your reflection see someone else, someone that at one time was part of your world. I have had many people come in and out of my life in the thrity eight years I’ve been here. I wrote this poem once thinking about many of the things I still think about today. I know I’m not in the same place as I was when I wrote this. This was my first version, it’s changed over time.Inside Myself
by Derek
Lost inside myself, reaching out to the universe. What will I learn?
Pictures in frames change with time, evidence of my journey, faces of stars that weren’t meant to GUIDE ME.
Becoming more hopeless and afraid of never finding the way, never finding the path to my destiny.
I stand outside alone at night, close my eyes and feel something that surrounds me, it is then my spirit hears their voices, rise out of the darkness. A sigh in the trees. “Our eyes are the stars that shine”. “Our love is the moonlight that gently whispers the night.” “Our hope for you fills each glorius dawn with light”. “Our pride in all you have done, gives color to every sunset.”
Am I looking into the eyes of my ancestors, realizing I am on the path I was meant to take all along. I’m no longer inside myself, I’m finding my guiding stars more beautiful than any other in this vast sky.

I’m still not sure where this new blog is going. I guess as a writer at times I go back and re-read things I’ve written in the past. Lately I’ve been reading some of my old diaries, journals, blogs. I read them and the life I have lived, and sometimes it’s hard for me to believe that this is my life or this was my life. I created and re-created myself so many times I start to wonder who is the real me. Was I being true to myself, am I still being true to myself completely. I try! I do the best that I can. My mind is still full as always. My dreams have been full as well. There are so many people that have been involved in the forming of me, but I also realize it’s always just been up to me to be me if that makes sense. Am I just overthinking again? We watched one of my favorite shows last night, “Medium”. It really hit home for me and touched me. I’m sure we’ve all wondered from time to time what our life would be like if we had made other choices in life. By the end of the show and the wonderful music by The Dixie Chicks and their new single “Lullabye”, I realized maybe I’m exactly where I was meant to be, scars and all. Through each person something was learned. Before the show the past few days I felt a bit at odds, sad that there had been so many in my life at one time, and that so many of them are not in my life now. But maybe they are! Maybe they always will be in some way! And honestly that puts a smile on my face.

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~ by deveil on MayUTCb000000pmTue, 23 May 2006 21:20:00 +000006 19, 2007.

One Response to “Still thinking”

  1. Derek…

    Now I have an understanding of where you were going and what was on your mind as we did our email exchange. Never look back bud! Life’s path is never thoroughly clear…it’s best to let it happen and that there is purpose in the direction it takes for each of us, if that makes sense.

    Darn, I wish there were times we could just be sitting across from each other. So much of introspection seems on similar courses. I think the bottom line is we are each searching for a definitive purpose to our lives, and yes at times, I think we are both over analyzing things in our lives. But I like to think that it creates a sensitivity towards the world around us that many just don’t have or get.

    You know Derek…I think I KNOW what this blog is about or probably will be about!

    Hugs

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